I come from a huge Dutch family and as such, have a lot of sisters. My ex, too, comes from a large Dutch family and in his case, has a lot of brothers. So naturally, one of his brothers married one of my sisters. I think they are happily married but I wouldn’t know as I haven’t talked to them in a very long time. You see, they’ve chosen my ex’s side.
They are the ones who get to be the most conflicted in this very public divorce and I feel for them for that. However, it is unfortunate that they couldn’t be neutral. Rather, they have done everything in their power to try to control this “situation” as Dutch immigrant Reformed churchgoers do. I have learned that if God is small, then humans must do what they can to control life as best as they can. If God is small, then humans must also control others as best as they can.
I see a shift in my ex brother-in-law as he became a church elder and there is a growing arrogance in him. I recognize it as an all too common trait in church leaders in conservative churches. It’s something I experienced when I left the conservative church I grew up in and something I don’t ever want to experience again. As such, I don’t think I will ever be a church member again. I will happily go to church each Sunday. I will happily give of my time and resources but I will never have my name in a church book again. Book of Life? Yes please! Human institution book? No thank-you!
But I digress.
My second eldest let me know that their uncle and aunt were down from Ottawa to visit them and their dad this weekend. Quickly my mind goes back over the past couple of years and I start to think about all the things they have done to try to control this “situation” from visiting Joel’s parents in order to have God-knows-what conversation to waiting for Joel outside his workplace to confront him for what ever purpose they thought they had the right to. The audacity is shocking. At one point my ex brother-in-law told me that I “left him no choice” but to take matters into their hands. The arrogance is shocking but I think the most shocking was planning a “Sintervention” (Sin Intervention) and having my then seventeen year old son present. I thank God they never found a friend to betray me into that. I thank God I was able to prevent that from happening. Most of all I thank God I could protect my son from that. That would have scarred him for life.
In the middle of this process, my ex brother-in-law pretended to believe me but all the while writing to my ex and my family everything I said. He added at one point, “I’ve gained Darlene’s trust.” Joel kept telling me not to trust him and I am grateful I never did. I never shared with him anything that was not already known. I had hoped to show him the truth. I had hoped that he would believe me. I had hoped that he would see things for what they were were. But I had never trusted him.
And so, as I drove up to my old house to drop off my kids for their time with their dad, the hurt and anger and bitterness started to well up. I saw my sister’s car in the driveway and I felt the pain more intensely. But instead of giving heed to it, I stopped to be grateful. Thank-you God that I don’t have toxic relationships in my life but that I have deep meaningful relationships in their place. Thank-you God that I have people in my life who genuinely love me for me. Thank-you for the growth in me. Please give me a heart of love and peace and let it exude out of me.
I am a work in progress. I am learning to let go. I am learning to let go of the hurt and the pain and know that God has really good plans for me. I know he can turn everything – even all this awfulness – to my good. And maybe one day my family will see it. And if not, that’s okay too. I have a family. I have Joel. I have my kids. I have a little baby girl on the way. I have good friends who understand me and love me – even when I am not being all that loveable. I have peace. I have unconditional love.
I am blest.
And so, as my children climbed out of my car, I could genuinely say to them, “Have a really good time with your cousins!”
And I drove home to my Constant, my Joel, who was waiting for me with a cup of hot tea.
Darlene
no longer small 