Healing from Narcissistic Abuse is a long and slow process and for as far as I’ve come, I still have a ways to go. While I was still living with an abusive man and unwilling to leave the home because I was not willing to leave my children, I clung to anything that may help. Some of it was helpful and some I simply did because I reckoned it couldn’t be unhelpful! There is this desperation that I felt in wanting help and becoming a whole person again. I felt so fragmented and a shell of who I previously was that I clung to any hope and any help offered.
Here are some of the things I did to find healing that you might find helpful in your own journey of life.
Counselling. It’s important to find a good counsellor. My first consellor spent a lot of time listening to me but I didn’t need that – I had friends that would listen to my stories over and over again! I needed someone to help clarify my thoughts and push me in the right direction. I was grateful to be put in touch with someone just like that. I believe finding her was God-led and she was an important part of my healing journey. She called me on my B.S. when I needed it and dragged me out of my victim-state and empowered me. She too, left the Reformed church and understood fully the uphill battle I was facing. She is the biggest piece to my healing journey and the biggest push to where I am today.
Church. I found a really good church where everyone is welcomed. I no longer had to put my mask on every Sunday and look like I had it all together. Previously I would do two hours of “Saturday night preening” to look perfect for church. I can do a French manicure, have not a hair out of place and could pick out the perfect clothes to play the role as perfect Pastor’s Wife. I played the role brilliantly and by the end of every Sunday I was exhausted. Now I come in to church a complete mess – crying almost every service and finding a loving God in the process. This church is there for the broken and the hurting and I am grateful that I can walk in each Sunday, lay my burdens down at the front doors, and find a God who loves me deeply and completely. It does not matter what I look like and I stopped pretending to be someone I am not. I don’t face judgment from others but receive love from them. I needed a new starting point and that became: I am an orphan. God loves the orphans and calls me his daughter.
Celebrate Recovery. This is a 12 step program that follows the 12 steps of AA and it’s for people with “hurts, habits, and hang-ups.” I went to the weekly meetings and also joined a more intense women’s pastors and pastor’s wives group. CR is helpful for those who need to take ownership of their own issues but for someone who is in an abusive relationship, trained to believe that everything is her fault, this wasn’t what I needed. (Incidentally, my then husband never came to a meeting. He never offered real support and wouldn’t even come to the Christmas dinners. He would have been too embarrassed to walk through the doors. I felt very alone and isolated.)
Aromatherapy. A lot of people speak very highly of aromatherapy. I have no idea whether this helped or not and it falls under my category of, “well, it’s not unhelpful.” I was deeply afraid of that space between putting my head on the pillow and falling asleep – afraid of where my thoughts would lead me so and a friend gave me oils to help me fall asleep. Thankfully I don’t usually have a difficult time falling asleep and since moving out of the house of an emotionally abusive man, I am no longer fearful of the space between wanting to sleep and actually falling asleep.
Hypnotherapy. This helped some. You can only follow the suggestions given to you if you are not resistant to them so it’s helpful to different degrees. People have stopped smoking via hypnotherapy and I wanted to get a handle on my overuse of alcohol. (This is for a later blog post when I feel ready to tackle that.) The conversations with the hypnotist was very helpful. She is a beautiful woman – full of grace and compassion and I left each session feeling much more at peace than when I arrived. Also, she understood the church background I am from as her daughter married someone from the same Reformed church which is helpful. The biggest help I got from hypnotherapy was the recorded messages I played as I went to sleep. It kept my mind from going crazy and it helped me not fear that space between wanting to fall asleep and sleep itself.
Yogi Breathing. I learned from my Hypnotist how to breathe when stressed. She had me inhale to the count of four, hold for seven, exhale for eight. Previously, like most stressed people, I would hold my breath and often even forget to inhale. Now, when stressed, I focus straight away on my breathing.
Reiki. This falls under the category of, “well, it’s not unhelpful.” I know I shut down and turn inward and the idea of Reiki is to open all your “chakras.” I went to two different practitioners and each one told me that my third eye, my intuition, is very strong. My communication chakra was very closed. So before I went to court, or a four-way lawyer meeting, I did Reiki as a way of opening up my communication chakra. The first practitioner recommended wearing certain gemstones or having them in my pocket.
Gemstones. Again, this falls under the category of, “well, it’s not unhelpful.” God created all things and if certain stones help, I will wear them. The Black Tourmaline gemstone is said to be a powerful stone for the protection against negative energy and is meant to protect your aura. I wore a black tourmaline bracelet whenever I was in the shared house. Perhaps this was more of an act of desperation on my part but I needed protection against an emotionally abusive man with whom I walked around on egg shells whenever he was around. I never knew how things would be twisted to be my fault and much of it was whispered to the kids behind his bedroom door.
Acupuncture. I went regularly to an acupuncturist who often found me “stuck.” I was stuck in my thinking and she worked to have movement within myself to help me get emotionally unstuck. Incidentally, I had little movement in my calves as I was not just figuratively walking on tip toes but was literally doing it as well when I was living in the same house as my children’s father. I left feeling better and being able to make a plan for my next steps.
Rescue Remedy. This is a natural product which I found really helpful. Whenever I was highly stressed and anxious, I sprayed this in my mouth and it helped bring me down, taking the edge off the anxiety and panicky feelings. This can be found in any health food store.
Salt Lamps. Again, I don’t know whether they help or not but the idea is that is takes away negative ions and cleanses the air. It became part of my practice that when I entered my room I put both my salt lamp and my aromatherapy diffuser on. I look back and see how desperate I was and how much I needed to cling to any help possible.
Martial Arts. There is something empowering about hitting and kicking a bag as hard as possible and picturing hitting and kicking a man who has beaten me down for years. The only issue is that my self-confidence had taken such a beating that I even doubted my skills as a second degree black belt. Also, at times I found it hard to retain information and concentration as I was in a permanent “brain fog” due to years of abuse. I find myself being able to shake that off more and more and I am regaining my love for Martial Arts.
Morning Devotions. I set time aside most mornings to read through my Bible and pray – seeing if God needs to convict me of anything. It’s interesting how this has changed for me. Initially it was hard for me to stay concentrated in the Word. I would read the words but I would promptly forget what I read. I started to pray beforehand, asking God to speak to me and open up my eyes. As my view of God changed – from a vengeful God who was ready to strike me down for every wrongdoing to a loving God who loved me so much that Jesus even died for me, I was able to concentrate more on the Word. It became less about doing devotions because I had to and more about thirsting after God.
Motivational YouTubes. I listen to Tony Robbins, Les Browns, Joyce Meyers, Rick Warren, and Caroline Leaf when I am getting ready in the morning. Each morning I wake up and find that I am straight away in my head which is far from helpful. Listening to any one of these help me to refocus and live in a place of gratitude. It helps me to look beyond myself and my circumstances and gets me out of my head because as Tony Robbins says, “If you’re in your head, you’re dead.” I know that looking beyond my circumstances, empowering myself, and living in gratitude is the only way I can live a happy life.
Prayer and Meditation YouTubes. It can be a challenge to sit in a prayer and meditative stance for twenty minutes and so I started with shorter ones. This has been very helpful for me to breathe and refocus, brining myself in-line with the Divine. Early in my journey I would often forget to inhale as I was in such a place of panic for so long. Learning how to breathe and taking that into prayer and meditation has been really helpful for me.
Life Coaching. The point of life coaching is to catapult you forward and get you out of a stuck place. She helps me get out of my stinking thinking, points out my blind spots, and pushes me forward. Constantly I need to fight my mind and live in my heart.
Reading. I have read so much on Emotional Abuse in order to make sense of what I have gone through and to clarify my thinking. Books that I would highly recommend are, If He’s So Great, Why do I Feel So Bad by Avery Neal. Psychopath Free by Jackson MacKenzie. And The Emotionally Destructive Marriage by Leslie Vernick. I’d also recommend anything by Brene Brown who talks a lot about being vulnerable and living your true self. She doesn’t write about abuse but she is helpful for those who dare to show their true selves to the world.
YouTube Videos on Narcissistic Abuse. Ross Rosenberg and Michele Lea became my go-to videos and this helped make sense of what I went through. I had so many “A-ha” moments when I felt like I was going crazy and as a result, I have become proficient on terms such as: Gaslighting, Triangulation, Word Salad, Isolation, Flying Monkeys, and the like.
Talking to Friends. So often I ruminated to friends, going over the same story over and over. Friends helped me to not feel like I was going crazy and they offer me hope. The biggest hope I need to hear is that eventually my kids will get it. They will come to a place of acceptance of what is and they will get it. I have great cheerleaders in my corner and I am grateful for them.
On-Line group for Victims of Abuse. I can pose my questions in this forum and ask for prayer from the praying members before court dates and other hard events. Living with a Crazy Maker for so long has been hell and I doubt myself constantly. This forum helps me to know I am not wrong and that I am not alone.
Writing this Blog. Writing has helped me clarify my thoughts. It’s been such a journey of self-doubt, of confusion, and of finding my way. Writing has helped me immensely. So often I needed to write and in the process of writing, I became calmer as my thoughts clarified. It’s the understanding that I am not crazy. I am not wrong. Which is what I’ve been made to believe for years.
Joel – My Constant. He has been my biggest cheerleader. He makes me feel beautiful and valuable and daily shows me he loves me. His biggest effort in loving me is in him loving my children, building into them, and spending time with them. It is not easy to love an emotionally abused woman and he hates the power my ex still has over me. It’s something that has lessened dramatically but is still there. He’s recommended me doing CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) and I think I want to look into that. If only because that is one thing I haven’t done yet!
I am open to any suggestions for helping me move on in my life and if there is anything you’ve done that is not on this list, please let me know what you found helpful! I have learned that those who desperately need the help, aka, the abusers, never will get the help they need. They will spend their lives hiding their true selves from others, living with only a persona, a mask. The victims are left with seeking out help but they rise up strong in the process. They become the strong ones.
Darlene
no longer small 