When he can no longer control you, he will control how others see you.
Ross Rosenberg, M.Ed, LCPC, CADC, CSAT says that once you leave your narrcisist, you will lose 75% of your relationships and will become a psycological orphan. Following is a summary of his YouTube video blog: On Becoming a Psychological Orphan: When Losing Your Family is Good, But Hurts.
When you finally start setting boundaries and stop cowering to his control, gaslighting, and narrcisistic injuries, there are huge consequences. You will become a psychological orphan and you will lose at least 75% of your loved ones. It will be devastating and heartbreaking and will be the hardest fight you have ever engaged in. But if you are the SLDD (self-love deficit disorder also known as co-dependant) in your family, and the rest are narcissist and you finally call them out, you will lose these relationships. You cannot set boundaries in a hostile environment without being re-gaslit and broken down. Therefore, these relationships will become ghostly if they are kept at all but more likely than not, you will lose these relationships all together.
Narcissists are infused with shame which runs incredibly deep but they cannot experience it, process it, or acknowledge. So they experience the shame in the shape of a narcissistic injury. So instead of them feeling like they are the bad person, they project the shame back on the person who is setting the boundary. When you set a boundary, you should expect from the narcissist a projection of rage. He will attack you and the relationship will break apart into a huge bloody mess. The narcissistic injury is so severe that they will have to demonize you because otherwise they would have to consider that what you say may be true and they are unable to do so. You have to be prepared to be ostracized from the larger relationships as well. There will be few relationships left for you and you will become a psychological orphan.
These consequences are huge but they also pave the road for self-love abundance and your life starts to change. But being the psychological orphan never goes away. It is a hard situation to not have your family or friends but the advantages of giving up on toxic and hurtful relationships in order to find love and stability based on who you are and who you can be versus someone’s presumption on who you were based on their narrow, narcissist, selfish view of you is worth it. It is worth being in relationship with people who love you for who you are and for you to learn to love yourself. You might lose you family or friends but will never be alone or lonely again.
For me, I lost my family, many friends, and a church community and as Ross predicted, more than 75% of my relationships no longer exist. Jay demonizes me to my family and at one point my mother wrote him, “Wow! We no longer know Dee. That is not the Dee we knew!” Which makes me want to bang my head against a wall and scream, “Because” (bang) “I am NOT” (bang) “who he says I am!” (Bang!) My family is merely believing the projection that Jay has of me. However, I get it. I don’t judge them too harshly as I also believed his horrible, twisted view of me for years and started to live out of that view: that I was the f*ck up and the problem. He is a word-smith and knows exactly how to twist each word and phrase to make you believe what he wants you to believe and my family’s been duped, just as I had been.
And I have become a psychological orphan but I have also found some amazing friends along the way who speak truth into my life and who are in the trenches of this journey with me. They are truly amazing and are willing to be there for me when I am weak. They don’t look down at me from lofty heights but come and sit on that floor with me and tell me they are there for me. They encourage me when I am strong and cheer me forward. I have friends who have become my family and who allow me to be me. I have friends who like me, not despite my vulnerabilities and weaknesses but who like me for me – vulnerabilities and weaknesses and all. And guess what? I am starting to like me too.