I lost my dad.
I got to have him in my life for only a year and a half, the span of this pandemic thus far. He loved fiercely. He loved deeply. He was full of grace and acceptance and often said, “it is was it is” allowing what was to just be.
He loved his kids and grandkids and every time he saw me he gave me a long hug and whispered, “I am glad to have you as a daughter.” He knew I felt orphaned. He fully understood that orphan feeling as he, himself experienced it and was taken in by Mom’s family. He and I were akin. He took me in and loved me and became a dad to me. He accepted me for me. I was allowed to be me, flawed, human, struggling, resilient, loving, strong. All of it.
He said to me, “My son has stuck out a few times but with you, he hit a home run.” That hit me deep and hard. I knew I needed my Constant, but knowing that I was right for him was weighty. Knowing his dad saw that was meaningful.
He and I didn’t do BS conversations well. We didn’t know how to talk about the weather or about a sports team or how so-and-so is doing. He and I rather silence than meaningless conversation – and so sometimes it was just silent. Sometimes he’d share a story about backpacking through the states or an archeological dig in the 70s. Sometimes we sat through an awkward silence and that was ok because I don’t think either of us cared enough to try fill it with meaningless conversation.
He liked to putter around in his workshop and he fixed my bench that sits on the front lawn knowing how much I love to wait for my kids to get off the school bus in the Spring and Autumn. I was so grateful for that.
I wasn’t ready for this. I was just getting used to having a dad. I was getting used to being a part of a family again. I was getting used to being loved for me.
I’m not ready for this. I’m sad for Mom, for the siblings, for the grandkids. This is too soon. Dad wasn’t done living and we weren’t ready to lose him.
He was a good, kind man. He decided to choose being better rather than bitter. He chose acceptance over judgment. He chose gratitude over bitterness. He was a life long learner. He was always becoming.
I’m sad for what I had hoped the future would look like. Dad doing our wedding. Dad being there for many Thanksgivings and Christmases yet.
It was too soon to lose this giant, kind, patriarch of the family.
D
no longer small 