Too Much Family: My Sister and My ex-Husband’s Brother

I come from a huge Dutch family and as such, have a lot of sisters. My ex, too, comes from a large Dutch family and in his case, has a lot of brothers. So naturally, one of his brothers married one of my sisters. I think they are happily married but I wouldn’t know as I haven’t talked to them in a very long time. You see, they’ve chosen my ex’s side.

They are the ones who get to be the most conflicted in this very public divorce and I feel for them for that. However, it is unfortunate that they couldn’t be neutral. Rather, they have done everything in their power to try to control this “situation” as Dutch immigrant Reformed churchgoers do. I have learned that if God is small, then humans must do what they can to control life as best as they can. If God is small, then humans must also control others as best as they can.

I see a shift in my ex brother-in-law as he became a church elder and there is a growing arrogance in him. I recognize it as an all too common trait in church leaders in conservative churches. It’s something I experienced when I left the conservative church I grew up in and something I don’t ever want to experience again. As such, I don’t think I will ever be a church member again. I will happily go to church each Sunday. I will happily give of my time and resources but I will never have my name in a church book again. Book of Life? Yes please! Human institution book? No thank-you!

But I digress.

My second eldest let me know that their uncle and aunt were down from Ottawa to visit them and their dad this weekend. Quickly my mind goes back over the past couple of years and I start to think about all the things they have done to try to control this “situation” from visiting Joel’s parents in order to have God-knows-what conversation to waiting for Joel outside his workplace to confront him for what ever purpose they thought they had the right to. The audacity is shocking. At one point my ex brother-in-law told me that I “left him no choice” but to take matters into their hands. The arrogance is shocking but I think the most shocking was planning a “Sintervention” (Sin Intervention) and having my then seventeen year old son present. I thank God they never found a friend to betray me into that. I thank God I was able to prevent that from happening. Most of all I thank God I could protect my son from that. That would have scarred him for life.

In the middle of this process, my ex brother-in-law pretended to believe me but all the while writing to my ex and my family everything I said. He added at one point, “I’ve gained Darlene’s trust.” Joel kept telling me not to trust him and I am grateful I never did. I never shared with him anything that was not already known. I had hoped to show him the truth. I had hoped that he would believe me. I had hoped that he would see things for what they were were. But I had never trusted him.

And so, as I drove up to my old house to drop off my kids for their time with their dad, the hurt and anger and bitterness started to well up. I saw my sister’s car in the driveway and I felt the pain more intensely. But instead of giving heed to it, I stopped to be grateful. Thank-you God that I don’t have toxic relationships in my life but that I have deep meaningful relationships in their place. Thank-you God that I have people in my life who genuinely love me for me. Thank-you for the growth in me. Please give me a heart of love and peace and let it exude out of me.

I am a work in progress. I am learning to let go. I am learning to let go of the hurt and the pain and know that God has really good plans for me. I know he can turn everything – even all this awfulness – to my good. And maybe one day my family will see it. And if not, that’s okay too. I have a family. I have Joel. I have my kids. I have a little baby girl on the way. I have good friends who understand me and love me – even when I am not being all that loveable. I have peace. I have unconditional love.

I am blest.

And so, as my children climbed out of my car, I could genuinely say to them, “Have a really good time with your cousins!”

And I drove home to my Constant, my Joel, who was waiting for me with a cup of hot tea.

Darlene

Sister Visit

My eldest sister was in town the other day and she wrote an email to both Jay and me that she would love to pop by to see her nephews and nieces. I wrote back immediately and invited her over during my time with the kids. She has been the only one who has not actively tried to sabotage me. She is the only one that hasn’t been awful and although she doesn’t agree with my choices, I believed this might be the beginning of a bridge. I was nervous to have her over but if I didn’t, I’d be throwing her into the arms of my abuser and she would see the kids during his time with them. So I dug down deep and had her over. She is the first family member I have seen in about a year and a half.

The visit went well. I kept it superficial and focused on the kids. Thankfully, my eldest was around the whole time as he loves having family over and he talks non-stop which is helpful. By talking non-stop, I mean to everyone but to me as his father alienated him against me. My son talked about his mission trip that was coming up and anything else that came to mind. I miss hearing my son speak up as he hides away in his room when I am around so this was nice for me too.

My third son was downstairs helping me make dinner. He made both dinner and a lovely buffer as I could keep the conversation focussed on him. He and I made lasagna for ourselves and for my sister’s daughter who lives in town. My goal was to show that I am not crazy as Jay makes me out to be but very sane and normal. If I could cast some doubt in her, then I had succeeded.

I felt like the visit went well and that I made an inroad. I felt like we had made a tiny bit of progress until I got an email that she clearly didn’t realize I was part of the email chain.

“I was able to give Jay a hug for his birthday as he shares the same date as… (my sister who died). He’s doing as well as can be expected.”

And I felt like I was kicked in the gut. I felt betrayed and hurt as I realize that she is not neutral at all but believes him to be the victim. I realized that she buys into the persona that Jay has created.

And I constantly have to remind myself that they, too, are just victims of his abuse. He plays the victim role effortlessly and they rally around to support him. And as a narcissist, he laps up all the attention and gets his supply from them.

I quickly texted my girlfriend who knows my family well and she wrote back these encouraging words. “Everyone (family, church/school communities) support him. How can they not? He is a respected seminary prof, humble, “quiet”, father, geeky-looking squared, etc.). He uses all that to his advantage – it’s all optics for him. It’s nauseating to witness. But you can’t change the minds of all these people. You just have to keep doing the right thing for yourself and for your kids. Moment by moment. This is only possible through God’s strength. Let him sustain you.”

And I just have to let it all go. He is a wolf in sheep’s clothing and I have to let it go and keep moving forward. I will escape him.

Dee

The Worst Betrayal

Psalm 55 12-14. If an enemy were insulting me, I could endure it; if a foe were raising himself against me, I could hide from him. But it is you, a man like myself, my companion, my close friend, with whom I once enjoyed sweet fellowship as we walked with the throng at the house of God.

Living in our small town in Western Australia, we were in a church where everyone was related to everyone else. They had grown up together, gone to school together, and married each other. And we came into this. We were the outsiders. My best friend was someone one who also felt like an outsider. I was from Canada and she was from South Africa. We had coffee almost every day together. I did her ironing and she watched my kids. I shared my struggles with being in a different country and she shared hers. We had some similarities and some differences and we respected them all. We understood each other. We loved each other. She was my big sister through and through. The family I never had. The one who understood me and didn’t judge me. The one who accepted me for who I was; deep, introverted.

I remember when we had just moved to that small costal town and she and I were at a birthday party together. She said something that was hilarious and I bursted out laughing. The other women didn’t see the humour as humour is a national thing – If Australians or Americans like you, they make fun of you, whereas Canadian, New Zealanders, and South Africans have much more of a self-deprecating humour. I remember thinking that I need to get to know this woman

I have never had a friend like her. I have never had family like her.

When we were back in Canada and she had some serious health issues, I flew back with my youngest to be with her for 3 weeks even though we were behind in our bills. She was my family.

I told her about how my marriage turned pear shaped and how I no longer had a voice. How I became so small and had no identity left. I told her about my Love and how he made me see value in myself. I shared some photos of him and me. I shared how I was finally becoming ME again.

And she betrayed me. She shared that all with my bullying sisters. Bulldog Theresa and Busybody Theodora were told all about it. They flew into the Canadian city I was living with one finger pointed at Matthew 18 and another pointing at me. They were ready for war. They told me they would “chase me down” as if I were a dog. I cancelled all my shifts and escaped knowing my workplace would be there for me. My sisters showed up at the time that my shift would have ended. They knew the location and the hours I worked because my husband harmed them with that information. Not finding me, they told him I was with another man. He was vindicated. All the fault of our marriage fell at my feet in that very moment. There was nothing about what led to this. There was nothing about the letter I sent him months ago.. that I was done! Nothing about my struggles that I shared with my best friend and my sister. He was vindicated. He was in the right. And he went to town with that.

My best friend told me to break off the relationship with my Love because “It will get ugly.” I didn’t realize that she would ensure it got ugly.

Dee